Recently, someone asked me about sex before marriage and this what she asked:
Praise God Pastor, am a born again Christian and in a relationship with a man. We have plans to get married but we have an issue. We want to have sex before we get married because we need to be sure about each other. On the other hand, however, we are not sure whether this is something God would commend. My question is: is it right to have sex before marriage?
Response: Thank you, my sister, and praise the Lord for the relationship. I pray that it consummates into a marriage. Did you say “we want to have sex”? So sex is a want to you!! I will tell you that there are many things in this world that we WANT to do but don’t do because of more serious reasons and needs. Sex is not a WANT, it is a NEED. And this sexual NEED is restricted to official relationships only.
Trust me, you don’t need sex without marriage. Sex and Marriage are twins, having one of them in the absence of the other is a sign of a great danger. You need marriage and it will come with plenty of sex.
Secondly, it is a myth to assume that sex before marriage always supplies helpful information, this is not true. Sometimes information is more harmful than not knowing at all. Sex before marriage does not help your compatibility and neither does it add anything substantial to your intimacy. Sex before marriage kills the magic of expectation and you both become obvious to each other before marriage.
In most cases, the majority are demotivated and they never continue with marriage preparations. So if your goal of having sex before marriage is surety, then trust me, my dear, you will never be sure in this life. You and your boyfriend are not vehicles, you do not need to go for road-testing.
You are fine and what you are planning to do is marriage and marriage is a ministry that involves way too much than the act of sex. Sex is but an ingredient of a huge ministry known as Marriage. So do not use sex as a means to marriage but instead look at Marriage as a justification for sex. Now that you asked whether sex before marriage is something God would command, I will tell you that: NO. Sex before marriage is not accepted before God.
It is true that we are naturally created as sexual beings, however, the Lord, our designer, has ordained and purposed each part of our being to play a specific role in a particular time. You can acrobatically walk with your hands but that is not what hands were designed to do always. In the same way, sexual tools are in our custody but not to use sexually at our pleasure but rather, use them in the right time and for specific right tasks.
We must understand that violating this divine design is very consequential and we must be prepared to handle. The consequences of sex before marriage can be physical where we might contract curable and incurable sexually transmitted diseases, get unwanted and unplanned for pregnancies, and sometimes real physical abuse. This is why the Bible says:
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. (1Corinthians 6:18).
Sex before marriage can have Spiritual and Psychological consequences. You can experience an emotional breakdown after disappointment. Let’s say you had sex with him and it didn’t work out to individual expectations. Or sometimes you had sex and he/she discontinued marriage plans. Sex before marriage in most cases damages self-esteem and you feel inferior and exposed.
There is a way you feel empty, embarrassed, exposed and vulnerable before those you have had sex with before marriage. Those who participate in premarital sex experience emotional damage that may lead to an increased chance of mental depression and emotional despair.
Sex before marriage has Spiritual implications, as a Christian, you feel like your testimony as a Christian is damaged and tainted. Trust me, you don’t want to live with this constant guilt. Let me give you one last reason why sex before marriage is dangerous.
Sex before marriage is not just a sin but a choice of the first generation that is likely to be passed on to the future. Having sex before marriage is sowing a seed. I have always taught that there are no generational sins and curses but rather there are generational choices. What you sow (plant) spiritually will be reaped in the life of your children.
The Bible says in Proverbs 20:7 that: A righteous man who walks in his integrity– How blessed are his sons after him. Don’t pass on any wrong generational choice to your innocent children, let them do wrong with no reference to you. Again the Proverbs 22:8 warns: He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow, and the rod of his anger will fail.
The cost and risks of sex before marriage are heavier than waiting until marriage because in most cases, you will move through a number of sexual relationships before you find one that gives you lasting satisfaction. I don’t want you to perceive me as a sex demonizing preacher. Am not saying sex before marriage is bad and wrong because of those dangers and risks I have mentioned above but rather, all am saying is that sex before marriage is wrong because it is not in the Divine-Design.
The two fundamental purposes of sex in the Devine-Design are exclusively restricted to a marriage relationship. Sex is for recreation and procreation. It is for recreation because sex in marriage is pleasurable but sex before marriage is risky. God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual pleasure within the confines of marriage. Because recreation and procreation are the core purposes of sex. Sex before marriage becomes wrong for two reasons:
- God intends to bring other human beings to earth through a family structure and not through no structure at all. It is wrong to procreate or have children who will never have to enjoy and witness a relationship between both of their parents.
- God created sex for pleasure and recreation for specific candidates. It is, therefore, theft to have recreation that you do not deserve. It is sneaking into a show without a ticket. Sexual pleasure is earned through an official marital setting, enjoying it outside marriage is a crime and the criminals have to hide.
Sex before marriage in the Bible is not sex but a sin known as fornication. The Bible says in Hebrews 13:4 that: Marriage is honourable in all and marital intimacy is pure, yet sex abusers and adulterers God will judge. Sex does not purify marriage but it is the marriage that purifies sex. God will judge all of those who fornicate.
Finally, I want you to understand that sex before marriage is a fraudulent transaction in which you trade your inheritance for a 30 minutes pleasure. This why the Bible says: See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Hebrews 12:16. I hope you will choose right.
God bless you, I invoke Truth, Reason and Faith
Am Pr.I.T.White
The Gospel Hawker
iTiS Well of Worship Fellowship (John 4:24) 